I Only Say This Because I Love You

This book by Deborah Tannen looks at conversational styles in families and the hidden messages behind words. She calls these unspoken messages, 'metamessages'. Deborah explains that families communicate in metamessages, with much of what is spoken having a background context and history. This context often gives the message a slightly different meaning, which may make it patronising, derogatory, offensive, and may become the cause of conflict. Often, a message of this type is intended to be critical, but not always. The person who said the words will deny that they were being deliberately provocative and will focus on the exact words spoken, and not on the underlying metamessage.

The book is easy to understand and uses case studies from real family environments to show examples of family conflict where this metamessaging is taking place. It looks at conflicts in different family relationships from husband and wife conflicts, to child-parent conflicts. It looks at the different assumptions of family members, and the unspoken perspectives of different family members. It looks at family secrets, apologies (or lack of) and sibling relationships.

The book covers normal family communications, assuming a supportive environment. It does not cover abnormal or extreme relationships. It's an interesting read and is easy to follow, but it didn't blow me away. I'd say it's best suited to couples who keep clashing on small issues.